INDIANA- Many years ago, I was working with a student who was challenged in several areas. He was anxious, having trouble focusing on schoolwork, and was disruptive and attention-seeking in the classroom.
Additionally, his parents noted he would become easily dysregulated at home and eventually did not want to come to school. As I worked with this student, we focused on each of these areas. We practiced skills to help him focus and techniques to help with anxiety. We also discussed appropriate ways to seek attention from others and tried both rewards and consequence-based systems to improve behavior.
I also met with the family and provided education, and they made changes in the home environment. After a year, and with support coming from every direction, the student had made only small improvements until one-day, things abruptly changed. Suddenly, the student was not acting out in the classroom. He was engaged in classwork, wanted to come to school, and most importantly, he was smiling and happy.
What had changed? I knew I had not said or done anything profound and there had not been a sudden shift in medication. The answer was incredibly simple and tremendously eye-opening. The student had made a friend!
Since then, I have watched this remarkable transformation happen again and again. Students struggling with various challenges, from relative shyness to more severe behavioral concerns, have all benefited greatly from having one good friend. I do not mean to imply that friendship is the cure for all children’s problems, but research has shown that friendship can positively affect a child’s self-esteem and social skills while also decreasing stress and anxiety.
Friendships help children feel more connected, confident, and optimistic about the world around them. For some children, it changes their perspective; for others, it changes their need to seek attention in inappropriate ways; and for others, it gives them a source of joy that was lacking in their lives. Together, these things lead to better overall mental health for all children.
Friendship provides emotional support and teaches kids empathy and compassion. It also helps them develop some key social skills, including effective communication, how to handle and resolve conflict, cooperate in a group, and show respect to others. Friendship gives children a sense of belonging and helps them develop their sense of identity. Healthy friendships provide a sense of security and self-worth and will help kids develop more resilience for the inevitable challenges of life. It is not the quantity of friends they have that is important, but the quality of key friendships that will have the most impact on their lives.
But making friends is not always easy for kids, and as parents and professionals we want to help foster these relationships in whatever way we can.
The first step I always recommend is open lines of communication both with your children and other adults that support them in their lives. Ask your child about their friendships, and truly listen. If you are concerned, ask their teacher if they have noticed the child is challenged in this area. Find out if there is a child that they would like to develop a better friendship with and coordinate with their parents for a playdate. Meet with the parent and child in a park or somewhere where the children can play as you get to know the parents better.
Find out what your child’s current interests are and look for ways to engage them in that area, where they can meet other kids with similar interests. Practice friendship skills with your child by teaching them how to listen, share, and compromise. Be actively involved in their lives so that you can help them show kindness, respect, and compassion to others.
Most importantly, be available for your child. As they develop new friendships, there will undoubtedly be difficulties along the way, and your child will need a trusted adult to help them navigate new and challenging situations. Friendships can play a vital role in the development and happiness of a child, and your support can help them find success in this area.
Holly Branam, MSW, LCSW, is a Youth First Mental Health Professional at South Terrace Elementary School in Posey County. Youth First, Inc., is a nonprofit dedicated to strengthening youth and families. Youth First provides over 100 highly trained mental health professionals (primarily master’s level social workers), prevention programs, parent engagement coordinators, and bilingual support personnel to 126 schools across 14 Indiana counties. Over 53,000 youth and families per year are served by Youth First’s school-based social work and community programs that promote mental health, prevent substance misuse, and maximize student success. To learn more about Youth First, visit youthfirstinc.org or call 812-421-8336.
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