After battling the darkness of despair, Horton shines a light on suicide to spread message of hope
“The strongest people are not those who show strength in front of us, but those who win battles we know nothing about.” – Jonathan Harnisch
By Justin Sokeland
WBIW.com
BEDFORD – At the conclusion of a gorgeous August day, the darkness of despair descended, overwhelming all rays of sunshine in her mind. She sat agonizing and alone in her car, gushing uncontrollable tears, miserably void of hope and purpose, totally weary of the screaming in the silence. The light of her soul had been extinguished. She stared into the abyss.
Worthlessness, helplessness, desperation engulfed her. Then, a horrible thought exploded in her brain. She locked her glazed gaze on the bridge ahead. Some dire, wicked voice inside whispered, and she drove to the intersection, intent on parking the car, walking to the railing and jumping. Ending it all. She sat there for an eternity. One road ahead to extreme, final consequences, or turn and head home.
Ellie Horton’s story is one of drastic depression, painful emotions, supreme sadness – with a happier ending. She choose the path to salvation. Others do not. Suicide is the second leading cause of death among Indiana teens. According to statistics, over 20 percent of high school girls have seriously considered attempting it, over 16 percent of high school students have made a plan in the past 12 months. She wants to use her mental health struggles – a taboo subject with a societal stigma – as a message to others. She does not seek attention or heroic accolades, but it takes great courage to talk about it, to reveal her inner demons to the world. Her goal, if she can, is saving someone – like her – on the brink. “I don’t want anyone to feel alone.”
What made Ellie decide to turn away from the temptation of the ultimate fate? She can’t remember. “Honestly, I will probably never understand what happened,” she said. “Something inside of me, all of a sudden in my body, I could not go forward. So much of me wanted to, but I couldn’t.” She recalls sitting at the stoplight for another interminable period, moving only when another car approached behind her, then parking in a gas station parking lot to summon the will to go to her house. Once there, she sought the sanctuary of her bedroom, to suffer and block out the outside world. She didn’t dare tell her parents. She feared their reaction, feared the worst-case scenario of her revelation.
But she had passed, according to a Living Works workbook that focuses on training for intervention, a turning point. Ellie realized suicide, often seen as the only way out for those struggling, was not the way at all. She agreed to discuss her problems with a therapist, a major step. She saw light ahead.
“It was being able to trust people, have someone to talk to and tell someone how I felt,” she said. “Those thoughts weighed on me. I felt like there was nowhere to go, that no one cared for me anymore, that I was worthless. Even though there were people that cared about me, I felt I had hit rock bottom. I had no purpose left.
“I still have my rough days, and I still struggle. There’s not a 110-percent cure to this. But I can wake up in the morning, I can go to school and enjoy life way more than I ever thought I would ever be able to. I’m just happy I’m still here today. That’s something I’m most proud of. I’m still here.”
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Why would a young, beautiful, intelligent girl, with her whole life ahead, sink to those depths? Understanding Ellie’s descent toward doom requires grasping her mental process. Of all the sports, golf is the one that tests reason the most. One day, the game is so simple. The next, too difficult to imagine. Ellie fell in love with the game at 8 years old, when she watched the Drive, Chip & Putt national finals at The Masters. “I want to do that,” she told her father Dave. She enrolled in the Junior Program at Otis Park, became a common practitioner on the driving range, and found her niche. It was fun.
“Ever since I was a little girl, I was meant to play golf,” she said. “That’s what I was supposed to do. That’s what I was known for. I didn’t know what to do if I wasn’t playing golf. I had always been told I could go so far, that I could play at a college level.“
With those comments came expectations, then self-imposed pressure. Ellie dangerously started to base her self-worth on the game, on her scorecard. Everything was fine as long as she enjoyed success. When her game slumped, which happens to the best in the world, her demons surfaced. She lost her sense of self. She was not good enough.
“When I wasn’t playing well, I was letting everyone down,” she said. “It was a lot.”
Ellie became unhappy playing the game that gave her such joy. And the warning signs were there. Binge eating, then not eating at all. Losing sleep. Her grades started to decline. She would suffer panic attacks. She needed help just getting to school, never mind surviving the entire day. She would come home, slump into the wall of the kitchen, cry in her mother Pam’s arms, and crawl into bed to stay there in her cocoon as long as possible.
She was a ticking time bomb.
Yet she faked her way through almost everything. Bedford North Lawrence, one of the top programs in southern Indiana, won sectional and regional championships in 2023, and Horton was a key member of that team. She smiled for the team photographs. But deep inside, she was a mess. She would sit with a towel over her head, in tears after the round was completed, while others celebrated.
“For some reason, I didn’t understand why everyone was so happy,” she said. “Because I was not. It was horrible, and I felt so alone. But I felt like, if I quit, everyone would know what was going on, everyone would know I was struggling.”
So even after the manic episode at the entrance of Otis Park, she kept that secret. Finally, months later, after therapy sessions, she discussed that night with her parents. “I was so nervous about how things would change in the house,” she said. “I didn’t want them to change the way they looked at me, or the things they let me do. I didn’t want to get sent away (to a mental health facility) and leave my own home. That’s why I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t want to be known as the girl who tried, who almost did this, the girl who was always sad. I didn’t want that to be what I was known for.
“When I actually told my parents, I felt like 100 pounds had been lifted off my shoulders. Now that they know, they can help me with it. It was a huge weight.”
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Parenting does not come with a manual or instruction book. If it did, there would definitely not be any chapter or section on the challenge facing Dave and Pam. Their family had a Norman Rockwell image – Americana at its best. Two kids, three dogs, huge house on the corner. Sure, every household has trouble, drama, issues. But their youngest daughter, their baby, was drowning in sorrow, and they couldn’t find a lifeline.
A father’s first instinct is to repair damage, to protect his children. A mother’s first instinct is their child’s welfare. Dave was also a former athletic trainer, with a keen understanding of an athlete’s body, how it works, how to fix or rehabilitate an injury. There’s no quick fix or timetable for mental illness.
“There’s no guidebook when you’re dealing with a child that is suffering from this,” he said. “All you want to do is give them a hug and make them feel better, and it doesn’t work. It was oil and water. I was geared to look at the issue, this is what should be done to fix the issue, and that’s not what is called for in this situation. So everything I would say, that I thought was working, was doing more harm than good.”
They were not oblivious or blind. But when Ellie finally told them the entire truth, it was still shocking.
“That’s the part that’s terrifying,” Dave said. “You know there are struggles, that it’s affecting more than golf. It’s affecting her school work, her social life, other areas. We knew it could not be good. But she kept saying she was fine, she didn’t want to talk about it.
“There’s nothing more terrifying than hearing those words. This is how low she was. It opened our eyes. It explained a lot of things.”
Even as her therapy sessions started to work and help her heal, Ellie was a long way from returning to normal. She could not drive to Otis, because that meant passing that bridge and reliving that moment and the sickening emotions all over again. Ellie would detour around town to avoid it. When she finally found the power to pick up her clubs, there were relapses. And when Ellie heard about Grayson Murray, a two-time winner on the PGA Tour who withdrew from a tournament in late May and committed suicide two days later, it really hit home. Pam was not sure Ellie could play her senior season, which started in August. Then, on the first hole of the first tournament at Bloomington Country Club, Ellie carded a birdie. Now the Horton parent tears were from joy.
During the season, Ellie was the consummate playing competitor. While the game is competitive, there’s no defending what your opponent does. She had a great empathy for others, even if her teammates didn’t quite understand it.
I’m just happy I’m still here today. That’s something I’m most proud of. I’m still here.
Ellie Horton
“There were girls I played with this year, just seeing the look in their eyes was so similar to the look in my eyes last year,” Ellie said. “I knew what they were going through. I wanted to give them a big hug. I could tell there was something wrong.”
Prior to the regional at Country Oaks, one of the parents from another school approached Dave to tell him “our daughter won the lottery. She gets to play with Ellie,” he was told. “There was never a time where some golfer or parent was not happy to see Ellie,” he added. “Everybody loved to play with Ellie, because she was very compassionate toward everyone else.”
And Ellie’s outlook had changed. She was the lone senior in the starting five for the Stars, and her leadership was crucial. How could she lead if she was lost herself? BNL won another sectional and advanced to the IHSAA state finals for the third consecutive year.
“Everything we accomplished this year was amazing,” Ellie said. “I’m so proud of everyone. I felt joy when everyone played well this year. It was so different than last year, when I didn’t care. How was I supposed to be a leader for these girls when I was struggling so much? I had to make sure they were OK. I wanted so badly for them to enjoy every single moment they can. This year, even the smallest things were amazing.”
If Dave, who blamed himself for unknowingly placing the burden of expectations on his daughter, can offer any advice to other parents who are, or will, face this, it’s actually simple – talk. The stigma will pass. Pain of losing a child never does.
“There is no such thing as being a perfect parent,” he said. “The best thing you can do is figure out the best way to help your kid. We struggled with that. This is a reality. It’s not something you only see on television, or something you only ready about. It’s a reality in Bedford, it’s a reality in our high school, it’s a reality of athletic teams. If we can open the lines of communication, that’s the key to everything.
“Without seeking professional help that a kid needs, just trying to fix it on your own, it can spiral out of control. It’s doing her good to open up about it. She’s not on an island by herself. She wants other kids to know this is real, you’re not the only one going through this.”
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What does the future hold? After graduation, Ellie plans to attend college, pursue a masters degree in finance, perhaps start her own business. Amazingly, to her credit, she has not ruled out playing college golf. Mom is not keen to that idea yet, insisting a strong support system would be necessary, but Ellie’s love for the pure form of the game has never died.
“I still love playing golf, and I will never not love playing golf,” she said. “The fact it’s such a mental sport was the hard part for me. If it’s something you really love, you still want to go through with it, even after all this. I genuinely still love golf after everything I’ve been through. Playing golf is therapy for me, but the stress that comes with playing high school golf is not as fun. But after a rough day, it’s very nice to play and have somewhere to go.”
She is willing to offer advice to anyone who might be struggling with similar thoughts and problems. First, put down the cell phone. Social media has become a poison. Too often, the images and videos of life perfection are staged or unrealistic. Comments made on posts can be hurtful. Avoid them.
“I would look at pictures and videos of people being happy, and I would pray and pray for that to be me at some point,” she said. “People would say things to me and have no idea what was going on. It still was raw, it still hurts. It feels like a stab in the back. Even if they just joke about it, it really hurts.”
“Even though what they see isn’t necessarily true, and in most cases it’s absolutely not true, that’s what they think,” said Chris Kurtz, one of the counselors at BNL. “It’s been a terrible thing for the kids.”
Second, do not be afraid to seek help. Whether it’s a friend, a parent, a pastor, a school counselor (BNL has four, plus a social worker, at its disposal), or a mental health professional, reach out. For a long time, mental illness was cast by the wayside. Now there are campaigns to combat it that are starting to make an impact. “The effects of trauma are reversed through relationships,” Kurtz said. “I feel like my most important job is to establish relationships with students. Get to know them, have some type of influence to help them think about what life is like beyond high school, to combat some of those things.”
Ellie still freaks out a little to discuss it, but bottling it up and covering it up are far worse. Don’t let embarrassment, or worrying about whisper and gossip, stop the struggling from finding help. In the controversial 2006 documentary called “The Bridge” about suicide attempts on the Golden Gate Bridge, survivors all discuss their regret once they attempted it. Don’t let go.
“You are not alone,” Ellie said. “You don’t have to hide it. Suicide is not a joke. There have been so many people who have taken their lives, so many people who feel like this every single day.
“If this means someone else, if it saves someone’s life, that’s what I care about. I’m pretty freakin’ happy for a girl who, just over a year ago, tried to end things.”
According to a survey of school psychologists, 86 percent have counseled a student who threatened suicide, and 62 percent had a student make a nonfatal attempt. If you, or someone you know, is having thoughts of suicide, call 9-8-8 (the national Suicide Prevention Lifeline) or text “hello” to 741741.
Stay On Your Road, Please
When your friends unliked you on Facebook, and they all stopped taking your calls.
Strangers give you a nasty look, and your life’s full of failures and falls.
When you’d rather just stay in your bed, go to sleep and never wake up.
And you’d rather be anyone else instead of this loser you’ve finally become.
When it seems that you’re quite invisible, and no one gives you the time of day.
You’re progressively more and more miserable, and you wish you could just fade away.
When your darkness is so overpowering, and your last ray of hope’s down the drain.
You’ve decided to end it all, and give in to the suffering and pain.
Well hold on, wait a minute! You’re too young to surrender just yet.
Now listen while I explain, my friend, about a future you haven’t yet met.
A future where strange things can happen. Where lightning can strike anytime.
Where sadness gives way to happiness, and your future turns bright on a dime.
In the future, you might make a friend one day. One who’s traveled the same roads as you.
That someone who likes you just as you are. Could be the best friend that you ever knew.
In the future, you might find your soulmate. The one who’s the yang to your yin.
That person who makes your spirit soar. Takes you places where you’ve never been.
Imagine yourself in the future, if you can, when you’re embraced by family and friends.
You’ve had a great life, but still you’ll remember, these hard times when you almost gave in.
But anything can happen in the future, of course. You’ll see dark skies, like everyone does.
But for now, you’ve just got to hang in there, and one day you’ll step back in the sun.
So take hold of your life, find some joy, pat yourself on the back now and then.
But know that your road is a long one, so please, stay on it as long as you can.
— Mia A. Lambert. Family Friend Poems, December 15, 2023.
